Actually coming to terms with your life

[pktruckdriver]

Below is a letter I wrote after re-reading thru the Follow-ups and POW and saw what I thought was a light go off, me seeing what I am, not want I am trying to be and will most likely never be, and being happy, yes of all things taught, it was being happy doing what you are doing, and well that has never been the case as much as now, this time with RDSS ahs been the most fun and relaxing , even with you know..., but I will not let that ruin my great times at the Track and the job that takes me behind the scenes, and all the friends , true friends that I now have back there, to me life is great.

The following letter was to some friends who had doubts and stood by me thru all the turmoil and struggles to find the real me and they seem to think finally after almost 50 yrs I woke up and became happy, and enjoying the life I have, and changing the things that were too stressful on me, like my living situation and last few jobs, each being 12-16hr a day, and etc... and I was wondering if people here could help me with this and have any advice for me or reading suggestions, please feel free to suggest away, thanks

patrick

Wow, hard to believe it has been a little over year since I came to Saratoga Springs, and thanks to Spence for all his help when I got here, as he was tremendous, I'm not sure I would've made it without his help and I finally got settled down and working , after a stint in the shelter.

Flash forward to today, and I been here in this place for a year now, nothing fancy but it is my piece of Saratoga, right in the city, with off street parking, most of all I am blessed to be allowed to live here in this wonderful place. I have had 2 jobs since arrival here, a truck driver during the winter months and my 1st job was driving a taxi 12 hr a day, 6-7 days a week for the 1st few months here, and that was into the the meet too, deeper than I wanted it to be, as the ability of having the meet off and to relax and enjoy the races did not happen, I needed to work in order to pay the bills and this was very sad for me, as I was trying so hard to be someone I was not, and do things I could not do, but I was too stubborn and stupid to realize this at the time, and of course continued on my way, trying to do too much at once and making a mess of everything, let me see if I can explain this better...

Last year I worked too many hours and tried to do too much and tried to be what I am not and with people who I do not belong with, yet, in my opinion, which is kinda screwy we know, but honestly I wanted to be what I was not and fit in where I did not belong, among those who journey to the Spa each season, and well it showed how much I did not belong and how badly I was in over my head, almost to the point that I was not going to show up, even thou I was here and did all this to be here, which not showing may have been better , because now everyone knows how badly I was out of place and unfocused on the fun that Saratoga should be, and was more of downer and kinda hurried and skittish, intimidated maybe and unable to relax and socialize in a normal way, ( good lord this is one long sentence, I need to learn how to use a . )yes socialize, definitely not like I did last year, not 1 single outing of any kind with anyone, no cup of coffee, no lunch or dinner, (and no I do not mean a free meal, as I would pay, no hand out wanted here, honestly) or even a afternoon BBQ, bring your steak type, nope I had not 1 offer, and like I said before it may be because I am trying to fit in where I do not belong, so what makes this year different, be honest I am not sure, but...this time I will be more relaxed and hopefully not so uptight and introverted as before, and hopefully better at the show parlaying business to.

Take a breath as the next long sentence will begin shortly...Now I did goto last year to a RDSS seminar, for which I believe I dozed off a bit , working too hard, and being totally disrespectful to the host's, and then there was a suppose to be work a race card breakfast thing at Mango's Deli, with RDSS group which I attended, but it was the rainy'est day we had last year, and all capping opportunities were canceled, it was umbrella day, remember, the other rainy day was opening day. Another missed opportunity.

I guess I was seen as the God forsaken truck driver who just can not get his poor life in order, at least those who have read my posts on the PA board know this to be true, and from there point of view, I guess I would only want to see me from a distance, like there that is him, the really big fat one there on the end, that's him, no it was not like that at all, just kidding , most PA members I met were cordial to say the least and thou there were no real debates or capping methods discussed or shown, there was definitely a class difference between most there, and rightfully so, I am a wannabe, a hard working guy who has nothing to show for it, and then there are these guys who have worked hard and have earned themselves the pleasure of being able to enjoy Saratoga Summer's, and the lifestyle that goes with it, where I do not belong, as I can not take a group out to dinner, hell 1 dinner outing for 4-12 people could bankrupt me, up here, but here I am still, somehow managed to put myself in position to be here and watch it happen again, and it would be nice to fit in a little bit better this time, to watch a race or two from the fence, meet a jockey or two, say hi to the trainers in the morning at the workouts, have someone to help me with my clocking skills, yes I have a workout stop watch and binoculars too, but someone could always help me better my clocking skills, some one who may know who the horse might be, as I have the saddle cloth booklet from last year to help with identifying the trainer, but not the horse, or an afternoon at the harness track playing other tracks or watching in the A/C for a change, or because of a rainy day.

The following is more about my RDSS experience I had last year and thou it had very great potential going into the meet to be awesome I really truly screwed it up so bad, from being such a complete and total jerk, who could not see what was in front of me and be so thankful and leanr from it, instead well we know by now, if not here is a few things that stood out to me, things I am so sorry for and wish never happened but they did, and this year I would love for this to be so much better, and hope that I can go out in public and behave myself like a normal person would and feel intimidated or the need to prove myself to anyone, because none of this is neccessary, never was, but I did not think that way before, last year was...

1st. I was given a great gift last year of 3 free months of unlimited data downloads due to winning a contest from RDSS, and what I did with that gift was totally blow a chance of a lifetime by terribly mismanaging my time and talents on trying desperately to do something I could not, beat Saratoga and show everyone how great I was, yes I know how stupid this sounds , but that was my thinking, and what a stupid thing to try and do, especially of a man my age, sad kinda, but let us move on, as there is more, yes more.

2nd. Communications, yes my skills in this area are horrible, and when I asked for help and advice, for which I got plenty , I was unable to process it and try to use it to help me , 1 example here was my ability to win at Monmouth, but I wanted to win at Saratoga so badly I overlooked so many other tracks where RDSS does so well, people told me try here and here, but, I was tunnel visioned and determined to show all that I could win at this game.... well I was wrong big time, and made a fool of me to myself and others that were there last year, tough to relive this , but hopefully it helps me to not do it again and blow such a wonderful opportunity , twice...

3rd. While God has somehow given me another chance at this Saratoga thing, this year I hope to better enjoy and partake in all that is Saratoga. i would love to be able to sit down with members here and other players from RDSS and PA board that happen to come to the Spa this year and buy 'm a cup of coffee and bagel and go over a few races and chit chat a bit and most of all make some friends, learn a few things or not, but enjoy the time God has given me in this special place, let me hope and pray this year is like this. FUN

4th. Win Baby just Win, no this is not necessary this year, as I will probably never be a big time winner at this game, but a small winner will do, finding a gem once in while would be a nice thing for me, and it seems I am very close to that now, this is from others whose opinions I totally respect and with some more fine tuning I get to where I can win a dinner out once in a while, or a new pair of shoes, but not a new life as I once had dreams of doing, no I think that is wishing for too much, and that it could never be done anyway, (I mean by anyone in my situation, not someone with unlimited funds, but a frugal bank leads to no where), i need to enjoy it again and win a 40.00 winner every now and then, and the toughest part is to be happy with that, not lust after bigger payouts and those life changing scores, yes I need to settle down and be happy being what I am a small time player, and deal with it, and do it now, as my life would be more enjoyable if I did this, I think we can all agree on this issue, no???

[MIKE]

Patrick

--lighten up and smile man.
--You are at the SPA !!!

Mike from Finger Lakes

[Bill V.]

Pat
Good things that you write = I did this right ...I had fun .... I can beat ....
I can ... I am doing well at Del Mar in the contest ....

Things in your letter that are negative are making you think your feeling better
spilling out these feelings but they may be a excuse to lose again.
see I told you >>> NO get that out of your life

Focus on what you can do.
Instead of being envious of others at the Spa
be envious of the winning person inside you.
Think to become that person that you know you can become, that just has taken its time
to get out cause the negatives build up a thick high wall

Break to the winning side and just be better than you were yesterday

Some trucker thoughts to a fellow gear jam-mer
Each day at midnight you get a reset. A fresh start,
a new log sheet Make each day the best you can and when you do your
end of the day report just think at midnight I get a fresh reset and I will do better

GS
Bill

[barb craven]

That took guts Patrick. Now heed Bill's advice. Discard the negative and only think positive. We all are individuals with our own quirks, but here we all have the same goal, and along the way if we need help we get it from those around us . See you next week.
Barb

[pktruckdriver]

Thanks Barb and Bill

And Mike that is why I did this to lighten up and enjoythings, finally

patrick

[wilbur porter]

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your frank and honest letter. In fact your questions and posts have been very beneficial to me since I first signed up for Rdss last November. Of all the posts that I have read here and on "Pace Advantage", yours have been among the most down to earth and refreshing. It feels good to watch someone else go through the learning process. Your posts are like a refreshing breeze in what sometimes feels like a dry desert of online handicapping posts. Not so much here on "Pace and Cap" as elsewhere ( Ted does a wonderful job of maintaining a non-confrontational, non intellectual and accessible atmosphere), but oftentimes it seems that everyone is an expert revealing their complete mastery of the science of handicapping.
In India, we have a saying "Everyone wants to be a "Guru", but no one wants to be a disciple. Or "Everyone wants to be the teacher dispensing knowledge, but no one wants to listen. I do my best to listen, to the many knowledgable handicappers on this site and to those who post as part of their learning experience. And I hear what you are saying.
I am reminded of an Indian story about a Courtesan who dresses up in the most beautiful clothes and bangles at night and waits at the door for a rich man to come to her and give her riches... of course he never comes. Finally, after midnight she becomes disgusted at her own behavior and her attempt to impress others and be something that she wasn't. She "wakes up", changes her approach and gives up her vain expectations. It's called "The Blessing of Disgust". It appears that your conflict mirrors this story and is most likely a stage that we must all experience in our learning experience in handicapping. It is my experience as well.
Nevertheless, I will continue to be receptive to the process and give up my own vain expectations of great monetary rewards and handicapping mastery. I have personally learned a great deal from this site, this software and the people who post regularly. Thank you all. And thank you Truck Driver for your sharing and humility. I hope you continue to post! Wp

[gandalf380]

Patrick

I for one have found you to be amuch more relaxed person this year. You seem to be enjoying life and it shows. You are a pleasure to be around.

Charlie

[pktruckdriver]

Originally Posted by gandalf380

Patrick

I for one have found you to be amuch more relaxed person this year. You seem to be enjoying life and it shows. You are a pleasure to be around.

Charlie

Thank you Charlie

[barb craven]

I will echo Charlie's thoughts Patrick. You were a changed person this year. A totally changed man with a totally new outlook on life and a great pleasure to be around. The afternoon we shared the table was thoroughly enjoyable. And I found your helpfulness to Bill in particular and to the rest of us in general to be outstanding. I'm proud to be one of your friends. Keep up the good work.