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Old 07-01-2019, 11:53 PM   #1
Jeebs
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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A new journey

Hello everybody,

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on PaceandCap. For good reason.

The afternoon and evening of June 4, 2019 marked the end of my previous life. I won’t get into painstaking detail, but the short version is that my wife of almost 9 years (13 years together) discovered years of deception as it pertained to my years of gambling.

The next morning, I finally had to look in the mirror and admit what I have known for a long time, yet kept denying. I am a compulsive gambler. That morning of June 5, 2019 marked the start of a new journey. One that has been emotionally and financially difficult, yet at the same time, enlightening.

I contacted the compulsive gambling helpline, and was set up with a network of support and resources right off the bat. I found an amazing therapist, whom I’m seeing once a week. I needed that, as multiple times during that first week in the journey, I either attempted or considered suicide to permanently end my mental pain. Thankfully, I kept a Lifeline on my phone, and got support to ease the pain and being my mind and objectives back to reality.

One of the most humbling experiences was June 7. It marked my first time setting foot in a Gamblers’ Anonymous meeting room. Although I had reviewed the list of 20 questions periodically over the years, denying the existence of a problem, having a G.A. member reading back to me all 20 questions, and “flunking” the test with a perfect 20/20 score was one of my most embarrassing and humbling moments in life. But, I have kept going back. Meetings are now an integral part of my routine, and I often find myself at 3-4 meetings a week. The drive is an inconvenience, but I overlook that, because I need the support group, and to listen to the insight each person brings to the meetings.

Unfortunately, my steps in admitting my problem, and using therapy and G.A. to rehabilitate my image and rebuild trust have proven fruitless as far as my marriage is concerned. Last Thursday, my wife decided that the best path forward for her both emotionally and financially was to inform me of her intention to pursue divorce. Her family has offered for her and my two young sons to move into their house, which she has accepted. Although nothing has been filed, and details are being ironed out, she sees no path to reconciliation.

With our marriage ending, and the reality that I will have to support a 2-bedroom apartment by myself - utilities and groceries - along with a mountain of debt that has been chopped away at for a few years now and the prospect of significant child support, I am beyond overwhelmed. Unfortunately, I also had a very untimely (and expensive) car repair (front brakes, tie rod ends plus preventative maintenance) that I couldn’t cover with my bank account, forcing me to incur debt on a card. Money is tight, so much, that I had to resort to the GoFundMe route to even make my monthly rent, so not to put anymore undue stress on my wife and the situation. Between GoFundMe and a singular PayPal contribution, I received over $300 in aid from friends. While this is helping, I still need more assistance to help establish a foundation where I won’t continue to fall. Although I don’t expect everybody here to bend over backwards, I will leave this here for anyone who is willing to lend a helping hand:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/Help-Brot..._co_campmgmt_m

If you wish not to use GoFundMe, I will also accept a contribution through PayPal. My email address for PayPal purposes is NYRacingFan@gmail.com. Or you may choose not to contribute. It’s an individual choice. I can only ask the favor, the worst someone can say is “no”.

For those who end up donating, I pledge to account for every dollar used. I am on Day 27 and counting of abstaining from the bet. If I make it to Closing Day at Saratoga abstaining, I will be celebrating 90 days of being clean and serene. This will be a major accomplishment.

I will end my post with the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know that I fouled up. I can’t change that. But I do have the power to take better care of myself, and take inventory of my moral being. It will take a long time, bit I will continue to transform myself on a moral level, one day at a time.

As for my future in horse racing, that chapter has closed. I will not be attending any races at Saratoga this season or in the future. I will not be attending the gathering in late August. I will no longer actively post threads. I am no longer using RDSS or other products. Horse racing - and gambling in general - is too painful. If I slip, I will simply return to destructive habits, compounding the situation. I need a healthier, productive hobby or activity to fill life’s voids.

Thank you. If members wish to reach out, either email me (timmybullock@icloud.com), as I will seldom be checking this board, or contact me via private message on Facebook. If you wish to contribute, every small bit helps. If you wish to pray for my recovery, please do so. I need the spiritual backing to get me through on a daily basis.

Thank you everyone for your kindness,

Tim B aka Jeebs

Last edited by Jeebs; 07-02-2019 at 12:02 AM.
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Old 07-02-2019, 05:21 AM   #2
Bill V.
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Tim

Follow the love in your heart for your savior. Keep the love in your heart strong.
Don't become bitter, Hate and bitterness seem easy paths, The way is love.
I pray for you and your family that you follow the path of love and
all travel with prayers toward your destination.

I will have you in my thoughts As I move on my path.

with love
Bill
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Old 07-02-2019, 07:28 AM   #3
Mitch44
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Hello Tim,

I'm sure there will be reconciliation of your family but only after your demonstrated performance of real change and that requires time. You have taken the most important step and that is to recognize the problem,that's the hardest step of all.

Pace yourself each day as this journey isn't a sprint but a marathon and it'll be your greatest win ever. I'm confident of your success.

All my best,
Galen
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Old 07-02-2019, 09:41 AM   #4
Ted Craven
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Tim, you are brave to reach out, so kudos. Changing behaviours is hard work and adversity is no picnic. But once you learn something profoundly, your words and deeds speak with much more authority and you will be of that much greater service to others. Since you are not alone anyway, might as well take support from the several communities which you already have, plus all the new ones.

I'll place a bet on your new beginning!

Ted
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Last edited by Ted Craven; 07-02-2019 at 09:44 AM.
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Old 07-02-2019, 10:38 AM   #5
Lt1
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Hi Tim
This is truly very sad news. You,however, have taken the first step on the road to recovery.It will be long tough road but with Gods' help you can win. I noticed you mentioned the thought of suicide. When and if that thought ever reoccurs get on that hot line. The people on the other end will pull you thru. I know from first hand knowledge[I was a hot line member for officers whose families were dealing with children suffering with cancer. I was on the other side of that when my daughter was battling that disease but the Dept had no such help available. Thankfully that has changed. Though retired I'm still getting calls and have gone out and met with the officers in the middle of the night when called for.] Never underestimate the power of reaching out for help and more importantly the power of prayer. May the good Lord give you the strength to over come this. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Tim
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Old 07-02-2019, 03:25 PM   #6
Lefty
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Tim, I wish you all the luck and fortitude in the world. I think any addiction can be conquered. I beat alcohol 32 yrs ago, so I know you can beat this.
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Old 07-02-2019, 05:09 PM   #7
Brian Chamberlain
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Join Date: May 2014
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Hi Tim, you have made a bold beginning to the end of addiction and I applaud you for that and for getting help. Take care of yourself.

Kind regards,
Brian
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Old 07-02-2019, 07:11 PM   #8
dlivery
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Location: Thornhill ON
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lt1 View Post
Hi Tim
This is truly very sad news. You,however, have taken the first step on the road to recovery.It will be long tough road but with Gods' help you can win. I noticed you mentioned the thought of suicide. When and if that thought ever reoccurs get on that hot line. The people on the other end will pull you thru. I know from first hand knowledge[I was a hot line member for officers whose families were dealing with children suffering with cancer. I was on the other side of that when my daughter was battling that disease but the Dept had no such help available. Thankfully that has changed. Though retired I'm still getting calls and have gone out and met with the officers in the middle of the night when called for.] Never underestimate the power of reaching out for help and more importantly the power of prayer. May the good Lord give you the strength to over come this. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Tim
Thanks G_D for reaching out to one of our members.
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